Dear Daughters of Eve,

My spirit is grieved and my heart is heavy.

Where do I start?

The place that I fellowship has plenty of good things going on. My favorite is the mens group. I obviously haven't attended it, but by it's fruit I know great things are happening! It started as a small group and began to grow almost uncontrollably. Somehow it has maintained the same atmosphere and accountability as it did when it was a fraction of the size. They have seen multiple marriages restored, souls saved and best of all their leaders teach the Word with boldness.

The "womens ministry" on the other hand, consists of a few separate groups meeting through out the week. Three out of four have had an issue of doctrinal inconsistencies within their leaders' teaching. Invitation to one of those groups is almost like being recruited for a pyramid scheme. It's as if the women afraid that if they don't get you another group will. Two out of four choose to go through book studies and have hit a very low plateau regarding the depth of their Biblical knowledge. To summarize, scripture is not being studied the way it should and healthy relationships are DEFINITELY not growing.

So why such a vast difference? Honestly, I'm still churning it all around in my brain. So far, this is what I've come up with,

1. Insecurities.
2. Insecurities.
3. Pride
4. Insecurities.
5. Selfish Ambition

When women don't embrace the person God has made them to be and the role He's asked them to fill, they get uncomfortable. And rightly so! Unfortunately they don't use that itch to spur them on to better things. Instead they begin to compare themselves to other women. This can lead to tearing each other down through gossip and so many other malicious female activities this world often glamorizes. Pride somehow stops us from serving in the areas God has gifted us to serve in, the places we would succeed. I want to know how the female brain (my own included) rationalizes this; "I'd benefit the kingdom greatly by doing this, but it's just not really what I had pictured. I'm sure God won't mind if I slip into this leadership role instead." Does it really require more faith to do what He made us to do rather then attempt something He didn't? It shouldn't, but what it does generally require is humility and submission. Ick, nasty little words.

When we stop consulting God for our next step, we can no longer assume we're on board with His vision. And that point, we have to take it upon ourselves to ensure that the program is a hit Que the feeling of competition, its her turn. Making a plan (asking God to bless it as a side note) and then relying on our own efforts to make it work forces us to compete with others for attendance, coolness and even spiritual growth. After all, failure is not an option, because that would be humiliating.

One of these days, I pray that women all over, but specifically the women in my congregation will stop attempting to fill roles they aren't supposed to (those of men, people with other gifts and those occupied just for the sake of doing good stuff) I pray that they will serve and attend to strengthen and purify the body. They will not seek validation from their situation within the Body because they will feel confident in the love of their Father and Maker. If the women of God in my community (and everywhere) would begin to humbly approach the Throne for their assignments and band together as a big beautiful army of graceful, unique, individual soldiers...I'm emotional as words fail to adequately describe the devastation the enemy would experience.

I was asked what one thing I would tell couples for a healthy relationship:

I married my best friend. Cliche', I know, but it's true! We were high school sweethearts and spent our dating years fishing, off-roading and dreaming of being rock stars. Our wedding was exactly three weeks after my eighteenth birthday. Three jobs, two houses and one child later, people are asking how we do it. Often they just blurt out, "Eighteen, what were you thinking?!" and many are surprised we've made it this far.
Truthfully, many things make our marriage work. The usual, honesty, commitment, kindness, pray together, don't let the sun go down on your anger; all of these are truly important. One thing our pastor stressed was the importance of knowing and communicating our expectations; he wasn't kidding! Also, we were fortunate enough to have an older couple dating while we were who held us accountable. This assured that we built a foundation on true relationship rather than just physical intimacy. All of these things are very important, but whenever I'm asked, "How on earth do you guys do it?" the first thing that comes out my mouth is, "We fight well."
I say it with a smile that often confuses people. Arguments aren't generally something to smile about, but it's true. While we were dating, we learned how to fight. To pass on what I've learned in my years of argument experience, I summarize it something like this. Disagreements are guaranteed in any relationship, but you have to learn to care about your spouse before yourself. I would say 98% of our fights grow out of a selfish attitude. Fortunately, 100% of them end because one or both of us chooses to have a selfless attitude. Secondly, you never fight to win. If your spouse walks away feeling like they "lost" in a disagreement with you, you're the real loser. And lastly, figure out exactly why you're arguing and the best solution possible. Sometimes this requires one person to bend farther than the other. A selfless attitude is a must here! This is especially true when you've compromised in the last five discussions and you really think your spouse is wrong this time! Take a deep breath, what's truly important here?! It's even ok to agree to disagree on some things. Obviously this doesn't work with serious issues such as what state you'll live in. However, there are many times where an agreement isn't reached, but you can both walk away with a good attitude by leaving it that way (even if you have to revisit it later).
So I guess what I'm saying is that I wouldn't consider love a battlefield, but it certainly comes with its share of clashes. Fortunately, a humble and contrite spirit can assure that everyone survives!